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NT. SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Virtuous police officer SYTTU is arguing with delightful gardener EDDIE LUKI PULASKI. SYTTU tries to hug LUKI but she shakes him off.
SYTTU
Please Luki, don't leave me.
LUKI
I'm sorry , but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
SYTTU
I am such a person!
LUKI frowns.
LUKI
I'm sorry, . I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
LUKI leaves.

SYTTU sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, special police officer BAIN GYPSUS SANDUS barges in looking flustered.
SYTTU
Goodness, Gypsus! Is everything okay?
GYPSUS
I'm afraid not.
SYTTU
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
GYPSUS
It's ... a Dragon ... I saw an evil Dragon devour a bunch of kittens!
SYTTU
Defenseless kittens?
GYPSUS
Yes, defenseless kittens!
SYTTU
Bloomin' heck, Gypsus! We've got to do something.
GYPSUS
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
SYTTU
You can start by telling me where this happened.
GYPSUS
I was...
GYPSUS fans himself and begins to wheeze.
SYTTU
Focus Gypsus, focus! Where did it happen?
GYPSUS
Miami Beach! That's right - Miami Beach!
SYTTU springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

SYTTU rushes along the street, followed by GYPSUS. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. MIAMI BEACH - SHORTLY AFTER

REEEEEEEEEEEE a malicious Dragon terrorises two kittens.

SYTTU, closely followed by GYPSUS, rushes towards REEEEEEEEEEEE, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
GYPSUS
What is is? What's the matter?
SYTTU
That's not just any old Dragon, that's REEEEEEEEEEEE !
GYPSUS
Who's REEEEEEEEEEEE ?
SYTTU
Who's REEEEEEEEEEEE ? Who's REEEEEEEEEEEE ? Only the most malicious Dragon in the universe!
GYPSUS
Blinkin' knickers, ! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most malicious Dragon in the universe!
SYTTU
You can say that again.
GYPSUS
Blinkin' knickers, ! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most malicious Dragon in the universe!
SYTTU
I'm going to need rifles, lots of rifles.
REEEEEEEEEEEE turns and sees and Gypsus. He grins an evil grin.
REEEEEEEEEEEE
, we meet again.
GYPSUS
You've met?
SYTTU
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young SYTTU is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees REEEEEEEEEEEE. He takes off his headphones.
REEEEEEEEEEEE
Would you like some chocolate?
SYTTU's eyes light up, but then he studies REEEEEEEEEEEE more closely, and looks uneasy.
SYTTU
I don't know, you look kind of malicious.
REEEEEEEEEEEE
Me? No. I'm not malicious. I'm the least malicious Dragon in the world.
SYTTU
Wait, you're a Dragon?
SYTTU runs away, screaming.
EXT. MIAMI BEACH - PRESENT DAY
REEEEEEEEEEEE
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
GYPSUS
(To SYTTU) You ran away?
SYTTU
(To GYPSUS) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
SYTTU turns to REEEEEEEEEEEE.
SYTTU
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
SYTTU runs away. He turns back and shouts.
SYTTU
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with rifles.
REEEEEEEEEEEE
I'm not scared of you.
SYTTU
You should be.

EXT. A SUPERMARKET - LATER THAT DAY

SYTTU and GYPSUS walk around searching for something.
SYTTU
I feel sure I left my rifles somewhere around here.
GYPSUS
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly rifles.
SYTTU
You know nothing Gypsus Sandus.
GYPSUS
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, REEEEEEEEEEEE appears, holding a pair of rifles.
REEEEEEEEEEEE
Looking for something?
GYPSUS
Crikey, , he's got your rifles.
SYTTU
Tell me something I don't already know!
GYPSUS
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
SYTTU
I know that already!
GYPSUS
I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed.
REEEEEEEEEEEE
(appalled) Dude!
While REEEEEEEEEEEE is looking at GYPSUS with disgust, SYTTU lunges forward and grabs his deadly rifles. He wields them, triumphantly.
SYTTU
Prepare to die, you malicious sprout!
REEEEEEEEEEEE
No please! All I did was devour a bunch of kittens!
LUKI enters, unseen by any of the others.
SYTTU
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! defender of innocent kittens.
REEEEEEEEEEEE
Don't hurt me! Please!
SYTTU
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these rifles on you right away!
REEEEEEEEEEEE
Because , I am your father.
SYTTU looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
SYTTU
No you're not!
REEEEEEEEEEEE
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
REEEEEEEEEEEE tries to grab the rifles but SYTTU dodges out of the way.
SYTTU
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, REEEEEEEEEEEE slumps to the ground.
GYPSUS
Did he just faint?
SYTTU
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly rifles.
SYTTU crouches over REEEEEEEEEEEE's body.
GYPSUS
Be careful, . It could be a trick.
SYTTU
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... REEEEEEEEEEEE is dead!
SYTTU
What?
SYTTU
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
GYPSUS claps his hands.
GYPSUS
So your rifles did save the day, after all.
LUKI steps forward.
LUKI
Is it true? Did you kill the malicious Dragon?
SYTTU
Luki how long have you been...?
LUKI puts her arm around SYTTU.
LUKI
Long enough.
SYTTU
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed REEEEEEEEEEEE .
LUKI
Then the kittens are safe?
SYTTU
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.
LUKI
You are their hero.
The kittens bow to SYTTU.
SYTTU
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that REEEEEEEEEEEE will never devour kittens ever again, is enough for me.
LUKI
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the kittens passes SYTTU a gold ring
LUKI
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
SYTTU
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
SYTTU
Well, if you insist.
SYTTU takes the ring.
SYTTU
Thank you.
The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave. SYTTU turns to LUKI.
SYTTU
Does this mean you want me back?
LUKI
Oh, , of course I want you back!
SYTTU smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
SYTTU
Well you can't have me.
LUKI
WHAT?
SYTTU
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a Dragon to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
LUKI
But...
SYTTU
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Gypsus.
GYPSUS grins.
LUKI
But...
GYPSUS
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
LUKI
?
SYTTU
I'm sorry Luki, but I think you should skidaddle.
LUKI leaves. GYPSUS turns to SYTTU.
GYPSUS
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
SYTTU
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm. Suddenly GYPSUS stops.
GYPSUS
When I said I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed, you know I was just trying to distract the Dragon don't you?
THE END

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