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= Arrogant Sea Monster =

A Screenplay by Julius Gorbachev INT. GYPSU'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Gracious private detective SYTTU SAKJAR SARAYNOUS is arguing with popular nurse BLACK CHOCOLATE DELICIOUS TASTES GOOD. SAKJAR tries to hug DELICIOUS but she shakes him off.

SAKJAR
Please Delicious, don't leave me.
DELICIOUS
I'm sorry Sakjar, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
SAKJAR
I am such a person!

DELICIOUS frowns.

DELICIOUS
I'm sorry, Sakjar. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

DELICIOUS leaves.

SAKJAR sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, hilarious private detective BAINUS GYPSUS SANDUS barges in looking flustered.

SAKJAR
Goodness, Gypsus! Is everything okay?
GYPSUS
I'm afraid not.
SAKJAR
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
GYPSUS
It's ... a sea monster ... I saw an evil sea monster defecate on the cloth a bunch of political arguments!
SAKJAR
Defenseless political arguments?
GYPSUS
Yes, defenseless political arguments!
SAKJAR
Bloomin' heck, Gypsus! We've got to do something.
GYPSUS
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
SAKJAR
You can start by telling me where this happened.
GYPSUS
I was...

GYPSUS fans himself and begins to wheeze.

SAKJAR
Focus Gypsus, focus! Where did it happen?
GYPSUS
Coolmax's weed camp! That's right - Coolmax's weed camp!

SAKJAR springs up and begins to run.


EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

SAKJAR rushes along the street, followed by GYPSUS. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.


EXT. COOLMAX'S WEED CAMP - SHORTLY AFTER

VICTORIOUS MOUSE an arrogant sea monster terrorises two political arguments.

SAKJAR, closely followed by GYPSUS, rushes towards VICTORIOUS, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

GYPSUS
What is is? What's the matter?
SAKJAR
That's not just any old sea monster, that's Victorious Mouse!
GYPSUS
Who's Victorious Mouse?
SAKJAR
Who's Victorious Mouse? Who's Victorious Mouse? Only the most arrogant sea monster in the universe!
GYPSUS
Blinkin' knickers, Sakjar! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most arrogant sea monster in the universe!
SAKJAR
You can say that again.
GYPSUS
Blinkin' knickers, Sakjar! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most arrogant sea monster in the universe!
SAKJAR
I'm going to need guns, lots of guns.

Victorious turns and sees Sakjar and Gypsus. He grins an evil grin.

VICTORIOUS
Sakjar Saraynous, we meet again.
GYPSUS
You've met?
SAKJAR
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...


EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young SAKJAR is sitting in a park listening to some jazz music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees VICTORIOUS. He takes off his headphones.

VICTORIOUS
Would you like some chocolate?

SAKJAR's eyes light up, but then he studies VICTORIOUS more closely, and looks uneasy.

SAKJAR
I don't know, you look kind of arrogant.
VICTORIOUS
Me? No. I'm not arrogant. I'm the least arrogant sea monster in the world.
SAKJAR
Wait, you're a sea monster?

SAKJAR runs away, screaming.


EXT. COOLMAX'S WEED CAMP - PRESENT DAY

VICTORIOUS
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
GYPSUS
(To SAKJAR) You ran away?
SAKJAR
(To GYPSUS) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

SAKJAR turns to VICTORIOUS.

SAKJAR
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

SAKJAR runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

SAKJAR
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with guns.
VICTORIOUS
I'm not scared of you.
SAKJAR
You should be.


EXT. A GIANT CAULDRON - LATER THAT DAY

SAKJAR and GYPSUS walk around searching for something.

SAKJAR
I feel sure I left my guns somewhere around here.
GYPSUS
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly guns.
SAKJAR
You know nothing Gypsus Sandus.
GYPSUS
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, VICTORIOUS appears, holding a pair of guns.

VICTORIOUS
Looking for something?
GYPSUS
Crikey, Sakjar, he's got your guns.
SAKJAR
Tell me something I don't already know!
GYPSUS
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
SAKJAR
I know that already!
GYPSUS
I once drunk pee by accident.
VICTORIOUS
(appalled) Dude!

While VICTORIOUS is looking at GYPSUS with disgust, SAKJAR lunges forward and grabs his deadly guns. He wields them, triumphantly.

SAKJAR
Prepare to die, you arrogant carrot!
VICTORIOUS
No please! All I did was defecate on the cloth a bunch of political arguments!

DELICIOUS enters, unseen by any of the others.

SAKJAR

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those political arguments were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Sakjar

Saraynous defender of innocent political arguments.
VICTORIOUS
Don't hurt me! Please!
SAKJAR
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these guns on you right away!
VICTORIOUS
Because Sakjar, I am your father.

SAKJAR looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

SAKJAR
No you're not!
VICTORIOUS
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

VICTORIOUS tries to grab the guns but SAKJAR dodges out of the way.

SAKJAR
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, VICTORIOUS slumps to the ground.

GYPSUS
Did he just faint?
SAKJAR
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly guns.

SAKJAR crouches over VICTORIOUS's body.

GYPSUS
Be careful, Sakjar. It could be a trick.
SAKJAR
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Victorious Mouse is dead!
SAKJAR
What?
SAKJAR
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

GYPSUS claps his hands.

GYPSUS
So your guns did save the day, after all.

DELICIOUS steps forward.

DELICIOUS
Is it true? Did you kill the arrogant sea monster?
SAKJAR
Delicious how long have you been...?

DELICIOUS puts her arm around SAKJAR.

DELICIOUS
Long enough.
SAKJAR
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Victorious Mouse.
DELICIOUS
Then the political arguments are safe?
SAKJAR
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable political arguments enter, looking relived.

DELICIOUS
You are their hero.

The political arguments bow to SAKJAR.

SAKJAR

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Victorious Mouse will never defecate on the cloth political arguments

ever again, is enough for me.
DELICIOUS
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the political arguments passes SAKJAR a diamond ring

DELICIOUS
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
SAKJAR
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

SAKJAR
Well, if you insist.

SAKJAR takes the ring.

SAKJAR
Thank you.

The political arguments bow their heads once more, and leave.

SAKJAR turns to DELICIOUS.

SAKJAR
Does this mean you want me back?
DELICIOUS
Oh, Sakjar, of course I want you back!

SAKJAR smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

SAKJAR
Well you can't have me.
DELICIOUS
WHAT?
SAKJAR

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a sea monster to death

before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
DELICIOUS
But...
SAKJAR
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Gypsus.

GYPSUS grins.

DELICIOUS
But...
GYPSUS
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
DELICIOUS
Sakjar?
SAKJAR
I'm sorry Delicious, but I think you should skidaddle.

DELICIOUS leaves.

GYPSUS turns to SAKJAR.

GYPSUS
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
SAKJAR
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly GYPSUS stops.

GYPSUS
When I said I once drunk pee by accident, you know I was just trying to distract the sea monster don't you?
THE END

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