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Selfish Fascists

A Screenplay	by Heil O
EXT. POLANDBALL WIKIA CHAT - AFTERNOON

Lazy housekeeper ADMIN BAIN MAN10 is arguing with gentle mechanic SLOTHNESS . BAIN tries to hug SLOTHNESS but he shakes him off.

BAIN
Please slothness, don't leave me.
SLOTHNESS
I'm sorry Bain, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
BAIN
I am such a person!
SLOTHNESS frowns.

SLOTHNESS
I'm sorry, Bain. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
SLOTHNESS leaves.

BAIN sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, incredible doctor EMPEROR ANTON IO12ITA barges in looking flustered.

BAIN
Goodness, Anton! Is everything okay?
ANTON
I'm afraid not.
BAIN
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
ANTON
It's ... a fascists ... I saw an evil fascists ban a bunch of spammers!
BAIN
Defenseless spammers?
ANTON
Yes, defenseless spammers!
BAIN
Bloomin' heck, Anton! We've got to do something.
ANTON
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
BAIN
You can start by telling me where this happened.
ANTON
I was...
ANTON fans himself and begins to wheeze.

BAIN
Focus Anton, focus! Where did it happen?
ANTON
Discord Chat! That's right - Discord Chat!
BAIN springs up and begins to run.


EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

BAIN rushes along the street, followed by ANTON. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.


EXT. DISCORD CHAT - SHORTLY AFTER

ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS CONTRIBUTOR a selfish fascists terrorises two spammers.

BAIN, closely followed by ANTON, rushes towards ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

ANTON
What is is? What's the matter?
BAIN
That's not just any old fascists, that's Italian Mysterious Contributor!
ANTON
Who's Italian Mysterious Contributor?
BAIN
Who's Italian Mysterious Contributor? Who's Italian Mysterious Contributor? Only the most selfish fascists in the universe!
ANTON
Blinkin' knickers, Bain! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most selfish fascists in the universe!
BAIN
You can say that again.
ANTON
Blinkin' knickers, Bain! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most selfish fascists in the universe!
BAIN
I'm going to need banhammers, lots of banhammers.
Italian Mysterious turns and sees Bain and Anton. He grins an evil grin.

ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS
Bain Man10, we meet again.
ANTON
You've met?
BAIN
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young BAIN is sitting in a park listening to some classical music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS. He takes off his headphones.

ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS
Would you like some marshmallows?
BAIN's eyes light up, but then he studies ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS more closely, and looks uneasy.

BAIN
I don't know, you look kind of selfish.
ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS
Me? No. I'm not selfish. I'm the least selfish fascists in the world.
BAIN
Wait, you're a fascists?
BAIN runs away, screaming.


EXT. DISCORD CHAT - PRESENT DAY

ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
ANTON
(To BAIN) You ran away?
BAIN
(To ANTON) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
BAIN turns to ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS.

BAIN
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
BAIN runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

BAIN
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with banhammers.
ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS
I'm not scared of you.
BAIN
You should be.

EXT. [...] - LATER THAT DAY

BAIN and ANTON walk around searching for something.

BAIN
I feel sure I left my banhammers somewhere around here.
ANTON
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly banhammers.
BAIN
You know nothing Anton io12ITA.
ANTON
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS appears, holding a pair of banhammers.

ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS
Looking for something?
ANTON
Crikey, Bain, he's got your banhammers.
BAIN
Tell me something I don't already know!
ANTON
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
BAIN
I know that already!
ANTON
I'm afraid of sausages.
ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS
(appalled) Dude!
While ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS is looking at ANTON with disgust, BAIN lunges forward and grabs his deadly banhammers. He wields them, triumphantly.

BAIN
Prepare to die, you selfish cabbage!
ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS
No please! All I did was ban a bunch of spammers!
SLOTHNESS enters, unseen by any of the others.

BAIN
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those spammers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Bain Man10 defender of innocent spammers.
ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS
Don't hurt me! Please!
BAIN
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these banhammers on you right away!
ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS
Because Bain, I am your father.
BAIN looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

BAIN
No you're not!
ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS tries to grab the banhammers but BAIN dodges out of the way.

BAIN
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS slumps to the ground.

ANTON
Did he just faint?
BAIN
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly banhammers.
BAIN crouches over ITALIAN MYSTERIOUS's body.

ANTON
Be careful, Bain. It could be a trick.
BAIN
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Italian Mysterious Contributor is dead!
BAIN
What?
BAIN
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
ANTON claps his hands.

ANTON
So your banhammers did save the day, after all.
SLOTHNESS steps forward.

SLOTHNESS
Is it true? Did you kill the selfish fascists?
BAIN
slothness how long have you been...?
SLOTHNESS puts his arm around BAIN.

SLOTHNESS
Long enough.
BAIN
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Italian Mysterious Contributor.
SLOTHNESS
Then the spammers are safe?
BAIN
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable spammers enter, looking relived.

SLOTHNESS
You are their hero.
The spammers bow to BAIN.

BAIN
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Italian Mysterious Contributor will never ban spammers ever again, is enough for me.
SLOTHNESS
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the spammers passes BAIN a wanted adminship

SLOTHNESS
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
BAIN
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.

BAIN
Well, if you insist.
BAIN takes the adminship.

BAIN
Thank you.
The spammers bow their heads once more, and leave.

BAIN turns to SLOTHNESS.

BAIN
Does this mean you want me back?
SLOTHNESS
Oh, Bain, of course I want you back!
BAIN smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

BAIN
Well you can't have me.
SLOTHNESS
WHAT?
BAIN
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a fascists to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
SLOTHNESS
But...
BAIN
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Anton.
ANTON grins.

SLOTHNESS
But...
ANTON
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
SLOTHNESS
Bain?
BAIN
I'm sorry slothness, but I think you should skidaddle.
SLOTHNESS leaves.

ANTON turns to BAIN.

ANTON
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
BAIN
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly ANTON stops.

ANTON
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the fascists don't you?
THE END

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