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Snooty Feelings

A Screenplay	by Heil O
INT. THE AZORES - AFTERNOON

Moron beheader CALIPH SMYTERAT AL-HOMOPH IBN-A is arguing with splendid ruler KAISER ANT ONY. SMYTERAT tries to hug ANT but he shakes him off.

SMYTERAT
Please Ant, don't leave me.
ANT
I'm sorry Smyterat, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
SMYTERAT
I am such a person!
ANT frowns.

ANT
I'm sorry, Smyterat. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
ANT leaves.

SMYTERAT sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, smart chief CHIEF BAN TU barges in looking flustered.

SMYTERAT
Goodness, Ban! Is everything okay?
BAN
I'm afraid not.
SMYTERAT
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
BAN
It's ... a feelings ... I saw an evil feelings died for them a bunch of jihadis!
SMYTERAT
Defenseless jihadis?
BAN
Yes, defenseless jihadis!
SMYTERAT
Bloomin' heck, Ban! We've got to do something.
BAN
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
SMYTERAT
You can start by telling me where this happened.
BAN
I was...
BAN fans himself and begins to wheeze.

SMYTERAT
Focus Ban, focus! Where did it happen?
BAN
Sus! That's right - Sus!
SMYTERAT springs up and begins to run.


EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

SMYTERAT rushes along the street, followed by BAN. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.


INT. SUS - SHORTLY AFTER

HOMO PHOBIA a snooty feelings terrorises two jihadis.

SMYTERAT, closely followed by BAN, rushes towards HOMO, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

BAN
What is is? What's the matter?
SMYTERAT
That's not just any old feelings, that's Homo phobia!
BAN
Who's Homo phobia?
SMYTERAT
Who's Homo phobia? Who's Homo phobia? Only the most snooty feelings in the universe!
BAN
Blinkin' knickers, Smyterat! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most snooty feelings in the universe!
SMYTERAT
You can say that again.
BAN
Blinkin' knickers, Smyterat! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most snooty feelings in the universe!
SMYTERAT
I'm going to need memes, lots of memes.
Homo turns and sees Smyterat and Ban. She grins an evil grin.

HOMO
Smyterat al-Homoph ibn-a, we meet again.
BAN
You've met?
SMYTERAT
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young SMYTERAT is sitting in a park listening to some trance music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees HOMO. He takes off his headphones.

HOMO
Would you like some jelly babies?
SMYTERAT's eyes light up, but then he studies HOMO more closely, and looks uneasy.

SMYTERAT
I don't know, you look kind of snooty.
HOMO
Me? No. I'm not snooty. I'm the least snooty feelings in the world.
SMYTERAT
Wait, you're a feelings?
SMYTERAT runs away, screaming.


INT. SUS - PRESENT DAY

HOMO
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
BAN
(To SMYTERAT) You ran away?
SMYTERAT
(To BAN) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
SMYTERAT turns to HOMO.

SMYTERAT
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
SMYTERAT runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

SMYTERAT
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with memes.
HOMO
I'm not scared of you.
SMYTERAT
You should be.

EXT. A MOSQUE - LATER THAT DAY

SMYTERAT and BAN walk around searching for something.

SMYTERAT
I feel sure I left my memes somewhere around here.
BAN
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly memes.
SMYTERAT
You know nothing Ban Tu.
BAN
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, HOMO appears, holding a pair of memes.

HOMO
Looking for something?
BAN
Crikey, Smyterat, she's got your memes.
SMYTERAT
Tell me something I don't already know!
BAN
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
SMYTERAT
I know that already!
BAN
I sucked my own virgin d... duck.
HOMO
(appalled) Dude!
While HOMO is looking at BAN with disgust, SMYTERAT lunges forward and grabs his deadly memes. He wields them, triumphantly.

SMYTERAT
Prepare to die, you snooty potato!
HOMO
No please! All I did was died for them a bunch of jihadis!
ANT enters, unseen by any of the others.

SMYTERAT
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those jihadis were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Smyterat al-Homoph ibn-a defender of innocent jihadis.
HOMO
Don't hurt me! Please!
SMYTERAT
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these memes on you right away!
HOMO
Because Smyterat, I am your mother.
SMYTERAT looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

SMYTERAT
No you're not!
HOMO
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
HOMO tries to grab the memes but SMYTERAT dodges out of the way.

SMYTERAT
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, HOMO slumps to the ground.

BAN
Did she just faint?
SMYTERAT
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly memes.
SMYTERAT crouches over HOMO's body.

BAN
Be careful, Smyterat. It could be a trick.
SMYTERAT
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Homo phobia is dead!
SMYTERAT
What?
SMYTERAT
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
BAN claps his hands.

BAN
So your memes did save the day, after all.
ANT steps forward.

ANT
Is it true? Did you kill the snooty feelings?
SMYTERAT
Ant how long have you been...?
ANT puts his arm around SMYTERAT.

ANT
Long enough.
SMYTERAT
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Homo phobia.
ANT
Then the jihadis are safe?
SMYTERAT
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable jihadis enter, looking relived.

ANT
You are their hero.
The jihadis bow to SMYTERAT.

SMYTERAT
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Homo phobia will never died for them jihadis ever again, is enough for me.
ANT
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the jihadis passes SMYTERAT a bad Smy's head

ANT
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
SMYTERAT
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.

SMYTERAT
Well, if you insist.
SMYTERAT takes the Smy's head.

SMYTERAT
Thank you.
The jihadis bow their heads once more, and leave.

SMYTERAT turns to ANT.

SMYTERAT
Does this mean you want me back?
ANT
Oh, Smyterat, of course I want you back!
SMYTERAT smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

SMYTERAT
Well you can't have me.
ANT
WHAT?
SMYTERAT
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a feelings to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
ANT
But...
SMYTERAT
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Ban.
BAN grins.

ANT
But...
BAN
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
ANT
Smyterat?
SMYTERAT
I'm sorry Ant, but I think you should skidaddle.
ANT leaves.

BAN turns to SMYTERAT.

BAN
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
SMYTERAT
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly BAN stops.

BAN
When I said I sucked my own virgin d... duck, you know I was just trying to distract the feelings don't you?
THE END

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