The camera opens on text that says, "Hi." As the NARRATOR continues to speak, we're shown a globe from Google Earth.
NARRATOR: Hi, you're on a rock floating in space. Pretty cool, huh? Some of it's water. Fuck it, actually, most of it's water. I can't even get from here to there without buying a boat.
A plane is shown flying from South America to Africa. The plane fades off the screen, and a lone, sad stick figure is shown standing on Africa.
NARRATOR: It's sad. I'm sad. I miss you.
The camera pans left across the globe to show more sad stick figures also standing on South America, North America, and Europe.
CHORUS: How did this happen?
NARRATOR: A long time ago- Actually, never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. When? Never. Makes sense, right? Like I said, it didn't happen. Nothing was never anywhere. That's why it's been everywhere. It's been so everywhere, you don't need a where. You don't even need a when. That's how "every" it gets.
A long pause happens.
NARRATOR: Forget this. I wanna be something. Go somewhere. Do something. I want things to change. I want to invent time and space, and I know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. I just don't know when to start, and that's exactly where it started.
The sound of VCR fast forwarding plays.
NARRATOR: Ooh, I paused it. I think there's a universe now. What's it made of?
CHORUS: Quarks and stuff!
NARRATOR: Ah, that's a thing, in a place. Don't like it? Try a new place, at a different time. Try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier, but it's not empty yet. It's still very full and about a kjghpillion degrees.
About no seconds pass.
NARRATOR: Great news! The quarks are now happily married and in groups of three, called a proton or a neutron, and there's something else floating around too that wants to join in but can't because it's still too-
An explosion goes off while the screen says, "HOT." 10 seconds pass.
NARRATOR: Great news! The protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other. Some of them even doubled up.
About 380,000 years pass.
NARRATOR: Great news! The electrons have now joined in. Congratulations! The world is now a bunch of gas in space, but it's getting closer together...
10 million years pass.
NARRATOR: ...and it's getting closer together...
500 million years pass.
NARRATOR: ...and it's getting closer toget-
An explosion occurs.
CHORUS: It's a star!
NARRATOR: New shit just got made. Some stars burn out and die. Bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit...
CHORUS: Space dust!
NARRATOR: ...which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into-
CHORUS: Even crazier space dust!
NARRATOR: ...so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things, like this ball of flaming rocks for example.
NARRATOR: Holy shit! We just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kind of made a mess, which is-
CHORUS: Now the moon!
The year is now -4,000,000,000.
NARRATOR: Weather update, it's raining rocks from outer space.
NARRATOR: Weather update, those rocks might have had water inside them, and now, there's hot steam in the sky.
NARRATOR: Weather update, cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava.
NARRATOR: Weather update, it's raining.
NARRATOR: Severe flooding alert! The entire world is now an ocean.
NARRATOR: Volcano alert!
CHORUS: That's land!
OCEAN: (Mumbles) There's life in the ocean.
CHORUS: Something's alive in the ocean.
IMMATERIAL OBSERVER (IO): Oh, cool. Like, a plant or an animal?
The camera zooms in on a single-cell organism.
NARRATOR: No, a microscopic speck. It lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
The cell divides.
NARRATOR: Oh, yeah, and it can do that.
Those cells divide many more times.
NARRATOR: It has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. So that's pretty nifty, I would say.
NARRATOR: Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
CHORUS: Now you can eat sunlight!
The year is now -3,000,000,000.
NARRATOR: Using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.
CHORUS: Taste the sun!
The year is now -2,300,000,000.
NARRATOR: Side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. Then the Earth might have been a snowball for a while. Maybe even a couple of times.
The year is now -500,000,000.
NARRATOR: It's a sponge. It's a plant. It's a worm, and some other types of weird, strange water bugs and strange fish.
CHORUS: It's the Cambrian explosion!
IO: Wow, that's animals and stuff.
SEA LIFE: But we're still in the ocean. Hey, can we go on land?
CHORUS, as LAND: No!
SEA LIFE: Why?
CHORUS, as LAND: The sun is a deadly lazer!
SEA LIFE: Oh, okay.
CHORUS: Not anymore, there's a blanket.
NARRATOR: Now the animals can go on land. Come on animals, let's go on land.
FISH: Nope, can't walk yet. And there's no food yet, so I don't care.
100 million years pass.
LAND: Okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here?
SOME BUGS AND FISH: Maybe
NARRATOR: ...said some bugs... and fish.
The year is now -380,000,000. The fish coughs because it is having trouble breathing. 5 million years pass. The year is now -375,000,000.
AMPHIBIAN: Okay, so I can go on land, but I have to go back in the water to-
CHORUS: Have babies!
NARRATOR: Learn to use an egg.
AMPHIBIAN: I was already doing that.
NARRATOR: Use a stronger egg. Put water in it. Have a baby, on land, in an egg. Water is in the egg. Baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
The year is -312,000,000.
AMPHIBIAN: Works for me.
CHORUS: Bye bye, ocean!
50 million years pass.
NARRATOR: And now everything's huge. Including bugs. Wanna see a map of the land?
The year is now -252,000,000. A globe is presented. The camera starts to pan around it when a large explosion happens, destroying a land mass on the globe the size of a continent.
NARRATOR: Oh fuck, now everything's dead. Just kidding, here are the survivors.
The thrinaxodon, lystrosaurus, and proterosuchus are shown.
Keep your eye on this one...
The proterosuchus is circled. 75 million years pass.
NARRATOR: ...'cause it's about to become the dinosaurs. Here's another map of the land.
The globe is shown again. It does not yet look like the Earth we know today; many of the continents are in pieces or out of place.
NARRATOR: Yeah, it broke apart. Don't worry about that. It does that all the time.
The year is now -66,000,000.
NARRATOR: Here comes a meteor.
A meteor comes into frame and hits the globe near what is today called Central America.
CHORUS: And the dinosaurs are gone!
NARRATOR: It's mammal time! Here come the mammals; look at those breasts.
The year is now -15,000,000.
NARRATOR: Now, they're gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff, and walk.
The year is now -4,000,000. A transition from one of human's older ancestors to one of human's younger ancestors is shown.
NARRATOR: No, like, walk like that, and grab stuff at the same time.
The year is now -3,000,000.
NARRATOR: And bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
The year is now -1,500,000.
NARRATOR: And set things on fire.
The year is now -200,000.
NARRATOR: And make crazy sounds with their voice.
NARRATOR: Which can mean different things.
Via the CAVEMAN's thought bubble, "Gnerushk," is shown to mean, "Hi," "Bye," and, "Can you hand me that rock over there?"
CHORUS: That's a human person!
NARRATOR: And now they're everywhere, almost.
The year is now -20,000.
CHORUS: Ice age!
HUMANS: What? You can walk over here? Cool!
The year is now -10,000.
CHORUS: Not anymore.
HUMANS: Well, I guess we're stuck here now.
NARRATOR: Let's review. There's people on the planet, and they're chasing their food.
HUMAN: Fuck it, time to plant some grass. Look at this. I control the food now. Now, everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. Let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because I own the food. This is great. I wonder if anyone else is doing this.
The year is now -5000.
NARRATOR: Tired of using rocks for everything? Use metal! It's underground.
NARRATOR: Better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
A sheep baas in the background.
CHORUS: Guess what happens next!
NARRATOR: More food, and more people who came to buy the food, and you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales, and now, you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now, there's more people, and they invent things which makes things better, and more people come, and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people, and now, there's business, money, writing, laws, power.
NARRATOR: Coming soon to a dank river valley near you. Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
DISTRAUGHT HUMAN: Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
NARRATOR: Tired of using lame, sad metal?
The year is now -3300.
NARRATOR: Made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land... I don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. Also, guess what!
The year is now -2000.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. Now, we're getting somewhere. Also-
NARRATOR: And did I mention-
CHORUS: Indus River Valley Civilization!
A "society count" comes on screen. It lists the four civilizations just named (including Mesopotamia). A fifth one suddenly pops on screen. The camera pans right across the globe to what is modern day Peru.
CHORUS: Norte Chico!
NARRATOR: The Middle East is getting more complicated. Maybe because it's in the middle of the East.
The year is now -1600.
PEOPLE WITH HORSES: Knock, knock. Er... clop clop.
NARRATOR: It's the people with the horses, and they made an empire, and then everyone else copied their horses.
NARRATOR: Ah, look, it must be the Greeks. Or, a beta version of the Greeks. Let's check in with the Indus River Valley Civilization - they're gone. Guess who's not gone?
The year is now -1200.
CHORUS: New arrivals in India! Maybe it's those horse people I was talking about, or their cousins, or something... And they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff!
NARRATOR: You could make a religion out of this.
The year is now -1150.
NARRATOR: There's the Bronze Age collapse.
CHORUS: Now, the Phoenicians can get down to business!
HUMANS: (Offscreen) Also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find?
Bronze switches to iron.
HUMANS: (Offscreen) Thanks.
NARRATOR: Look who came back to Israel - it's the twelve tribes of Israel!
CHORUS: And they believe in God!
NARRATOR: Just one though; he's got like a ten step program.
NARRATOR: Here's some huge heads. Must be the Olmecs.
The year is now -800.
NARRATOR: The Phoenicians make some colonies. The Greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. The Phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
The year is now -671.
NARRATOR: Here comes the Assyrian Empire.
The year is now -600.
NARRATOR: Nevermind, it's the Babylo-
The year is now -580.
The year is now -500.
CHORUS: It's the Persian Empire!
IO: Wow, that's big.
NARRATOR: Ah, the Buddha was just enlightened!
IO: Who's the Buddha?
NARRATOR: This guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. You could make a religion out of this.
The year is now -475.
NARRATOR: Oops, China just broke, but while it was breaking, Confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
The year is now -400.
NARRATOR: Ah, the Greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff...
The year is now -330.
NARRATOR: ...and right over here, Alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire Persian empire. It's a great idea. He was... Great, and now he's dead. Hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
The year is now -305.
CHANDRAGUPTA: Knock knock.
NARRATOR: It's Chandragupta. He says-
CHANDRAGUPTA: Get the hell out of here. Will you get the hell out of here if I give you five hundred elephants? Okay, thanks. Bye.
CHORUS: Time to conquer all of India!
CHORUS: Most of India!
IO: But what about this part?
NARRATOR: That's the Tamil kings. No one conquers the Tamil kings.
IO: Who are the Tamil kings?
CHORUS: Merchants, probably... And they've got spices!
TAMIL KINGS: Who would like to buy the spices?
NARRATOR: ...said the Arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
The year is now -221.
NARRATOR: Hey, China put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy! Actually, they have three main philosophies.
Confucianism, taoism, and legalism appear with the corresponding messages under: having good morals, go with the flow, and "fuck you obey the law"
The land northwest of Qin China, which is roughly modern day Mongolia, is circled.
NARRATOR: Out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
The horse nomads repeatedly bump into China with the coin sound effect from Super Mario playing each time they do so. The camera pans left on the globe back to the Ancient Greek Empire.
NARRATOR: Let's check the Greekification levels of the Greekified kingdoms. Greekification overload!
NARRATOR: ...said the Parthians.
NARRATOR: ...said the Jews.
NARRATOR: ...said the Parthians, taking over the entire place.
The year is now 1 CE.
NARRATOR: ...said the Romans, eating the entire Mediterranean for breakfast.
JEWS: Thanks for invading our homeland.
NARRATOR: ...said the Jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
The year is now 30 CE.
JESUS CHRIST: Hi, everything's great.
NARRATOR: ...said some guy, who seems to be getting very popular, and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. You could make a religion out of this.
NARRATOR: Want silk? Now, you can buy it from China. They just made a-
CHORUS: Brand new road to the world!
China conquers Vietnam.
CHORUS: Or you can get there on water!
INDIA: Sick! New trade routes.
NARRATOR: ...said India, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
Funan is highlighted.
NARRATOR: Hm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
The sound of a zooming car plays.
NARRATOR: There goes Buddhism, traveling up the silk road.
The year is now 220.
NARRATOR: I wonder if it'll reach China before it collapses again.
The year is now 225.
NARRATOR: Remember the Persian Empire?
NARRATOR: ...said the Persians, making a new one. Axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. Has anyone populated Madagascar yet?
BANTU and MALAY: Let's do it together!
The year is now 280.
CHORUS: China is whole again!
The year is now 520.
CHORUS: Then it broke again.
NARRATOR: Still can't cross the Sahara Desert? Try camels!
CHORUS, as GHANA EMPIRE: Hell yeah! Now we've got business!
NARRATOR: ...said the Ghana Empire, selling lots of gold and slaves.
ROMAN CHRISTIAN: Hi, I live in the Roman Empire, and I was wondering-
CHORUS, as ROMAN CHRISTIAN: Is loving Jesus legal yet?
The year is now 330.
CONSTANTINE: Actually, okay, sure.
NARRATOR: ...said Constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his-
CHORUS: Main rival!
CONSTANTINE: Don't worry about Rome; it won't fall.
The year is now 400.
CHORUS: It's the golden age of India!
NARRATOR: There's the Gupta Empire, not Chandragupta, just Gupta... First name Chandra... The First. Guess who's in Rome.
NARRATOR: What's a barbarian?
NARRATOR: ...said the Romans, being invaded by non-Romans.
The year is now 476.
NARRATOR: R.I.P. Roman Empire. Er, actually just half of it; the other half is just fine, but it's not in Rome anymore, so let's give it a new name.
CHORUS: The Mayans have figured out the stars!
NARRATOR: Oh, and here's a huge city, population: everyone.
The year is now 576.
NARRATOR: The Göktürks have taken over the entire Eurasian steppe. Great job, Göktürks. How's India? Broken. How's China?
CHORUS: Back together.
NARRATOR: How's those trading kingdoms?
CHORUS: Bigger, and there's more of them.
NARRATOR: Korea has three kingdoms. Japan has a kingdom; it's the sunrise kingdom.
An intermission occurs. The year is now 610.
NARRATOR: Deep in the Arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in Muhammad's ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake...
The year is now 622.
NARRATOR: ...and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. You can make a religion out of this...
The year is now 650.
NARRATOR: ...and maybe conquer the world as well. The Roman Empire is long gone, but somehow, the Pope is still the Pope! Plus, there's-
CHORUS: New kingdoms all over Europe!
NARRATOR: I wonder if there's room for Moors.
The year is now 786.
NARRATOR: Here's all the wisdom, in a house: it's the Baghdad House of Wisdom, just in time for the-
CHORUS: Islamic Golden Age!
SWAHILI: Let's bring stuff to the coast, and sell it, and become the Swahili on the Swahili Coast.
NARRATOR: ...said the Swahili on the Swahili Coast.
NARRATOR: Remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? Someone owns that now.
NARRATOR: Wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
NARRATOR: The Franks have the biggest kingdom in Europe, and the Pope is so proud that he invites the king over for Christmas.
The year is now 800.
POPE: Surprise! You're the new Roman Emperor!
NARRATOR: ...said the Pope, pretending to still be part of the Roman Empire. Then, the Franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called France and Not France. The Northerners (or just Norse, if you don't have much time) are exploring. They go north, from the north, to the northern north, and they find some land, two types of land, and they name them accordingly.
Large text comes on screen reading, "prankd."
NARRATOR: They also invade some other places and get called many names, such as Vikings.
The year is now 882.
NARRATOR: There's the Rus, the Kievan Rus.
IO: Are they Vikings?
KIEVAN RUS: I don't think so.
NARRATOR: ...said the Kievan Rus.
IO: Okay, fair enough.
NARRATOR: The Pope is ready to make some more emperors of the Roman Empire, the Holy Roman Empire. It's actually Germany, but don't worry about it! New kingdoms!
DISTORTED VOICE: CHRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!
NARRATOR: Which brand would you like?
ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH: Mine's better.
EASTERN ORTHODOX CHURCH: Mine's better.
ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH: Mine's better.
The year is now 1066.
WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR: Time to conquer England.
NARRATOR: ...said William.
The year is now 1071.
NARRATOR: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's the Seljuk Turks!
BYZANTINE EMPIRE: Aah!
NARRATOR: ...said the Byzantine Empire, who's getting so small it almost doesn't exist anymore.
BYZANTINE EMPIRE: We need help!
NARRATOR: They need help, so they call the Pope.
BYZANTINE EMPIRE: Hey, Pope, can you help us get rid of the Seljuks? Maybe take back the Holy Land on the way? Come on, I know you want to take back the Holy Land.
POPE: Yes, I do actually want to do that. Let's do a Crusade.
The year is now 1099.
NARRATOR: They did many crusades, some of which almost didn't fail, but at the least the Italians got some sweet trade deals.
The year is now 1100.
NARRATOR: Goodbye, Mayans.
CHORUS: Hello, Toltecs!
NARRATOR: Goodbye, Toltecs.
CHORUS: Hello, Mississippi!
NARRATOR: Look at those mounds! There's the Pueblo. I've always wondered how to build a town on a cliff.
The year is now 1150.
NARRATOR: Guess who's here? Khmer!
NARRATOR: Here, and Pegan is there! Vietnam unconquered itself, Korea just became itself...
The year is now 1192.
NARRATOR: ...and Japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. China just invented bombs and typing...
The year is now 1230. It rapidly starts to count upward as the Mongols spin and fly all over north Asia. The year ends on 1259.
NARRATOR: ...and the Mongols just invaded most of the universe. (sarcastically) Nice going, Genghis! I bet that will last a long time.
The Mongol Empire that was just formed shatters.
NARRATOR: Some of the Islamic Turks were unaffected by the Mongol invasions because they were busy invading India.
Bright, happy text comes on the screen reading, "tonga time."
NARRATOR: Is it Tonga time?
TONGAN: I think it's Tonga time!
Text comes on screen reading, "colonizing the pacific ocean..." The Tu'i Tonga Empire forms.
NARRATOR: I just found out where the Swahili gets all their gold!
It is shown that the gold comes from the Great Zimbabwe, as the Great Zimbabwe is highlighted.
NARRATOR: Look at this "chad" (it means lake). There's an empire there, right in the middle of-
The year is now 1324.
NARRATOR: The King of Mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know.
NORTH AFRICA and THE MIDDLE EAST: Wow, that guy's rich.
NARRATOR: ...everyone said. The Christians are doing a great job reconquering Iberia, which will soon be called Spain and Not-Spain.
IBERIAN PENINSULA: Please remain Christian. We will check in later to see if you're still Christian when you least expect.
The year is now 1350.
NARRATOR: Whoops! Half of Europe just died!
NARRATOR: China's back, yay!
The year is now 1400.
Hey Khmer, time to share! New kingdoms here and there. Oh, look who controls all the islands. It's the Mahajapit-
The buzz of an "incorrect" buzzer buzzes.
The ring of a "correct" bell rings. The year is now 1450.
NARRATOR: Oh, Italy's really rich. Time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. It's kinda like a re-birth. Here's a printer, let's make books!
BYZANTINE EMPIRE: So you think you can conquer the Byzantine Empire?
OTTOMAN TURKS: Yep.
NARRATOR: ...said the Ottoman Turks. Nice job, Ottoman Turks!
The year is now 1453.
NARRATOR: Oops, you missed a spot. Don't forget to ban Europe from the Indian spice trade.
PORTUGAL: What? That's bullshit!
NARRATOR: ...said Portugal, spiceless.
CHORUS, as PORTUGAL: Well, I guess we'll have to find another way to India!
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: Wait!
NARRATOR: ...said Christopher Columbus, probably smoking crack.
COLUMBUS: If the world is round, let's go this way to India!
PORTUGAL: Nah, don't worry, we already got this
NARRATOR: ...said Portugal. So Chris goes to Spain.
COLUMBUS: Hey, Spain, wanna hire me to find India by going around the back of the world?
The year is now 1492.
NARRATOR: So he sails into the ocean and discovers... More ocean... And then discovers the Indies and Japan.
The year is now 1494.
SPAIN and PORTUGAL: Let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
NARRATOR: The Aztec and Inca Empires are off to a great start. I wonder if they know that Europe just discovered their continent?
NARRATOR: The Hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families that they might have to start marrying each other.
The year is now 1500.
NARRATOR: Move over, Lithuania! Here comes Moscow. Ivan wants to make Russia great again. Move over, Timurids; maybe go invade India or something.
The year is now 1501.
NARRATOR: Persia just made Persia Persian again. Let's make it the other kind of Islam, the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy.
ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH: Hey, Christians! Do you sin? Now you can buy your way out of hell.
MARTIN LUTHER: That's bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that's a scam, fuck the church. Here's 95 reasons why.
NARRATOR: ...said Martin Luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the Protestant Reformation.
SULEIMAN THE MAGNIFICENT: You know what would be magnificent?
NARRATOR: ...said Suleiman, wearing an onion hat.
The year is now 1530.
SULEIMAN: What if the Ottoman Empire was really big, which it is now?
The year is now 1556.
IVAN THE TERRIBLE: What if Russia was big?
NARRATOR: ...said Ivan, trying not to be terrible.
NARRATOR: Portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire Indian Ocean, including the Spice Trade... and then that dream was real. And Spain realized that this is not India, but they pillaged it anyway!
ENGLAND and FRANCE: Damn.
NARRATOR: ...said England and France.
ENGLAND and FRANCE: We gotta start pillaging some stuff.
NARRATOR: Then, the Dutch revolt, and all the hipsters move to Amsterdam.
The year is now 1600.
to be continued lalalal